Table of Contents

"ERIC"

The first time I met you
 I learned of a love so, so strong
 It made me forget all that was wrong

You changed my whole life
Even on the Darkest, Gloomiest days
I need only look at you once
And through the storm clouds
Shown the most beautiful sun rays

I remember teaching you to talk
And teaching you to walk
I remember helping you across the jungle gym
And showing you how to swim

There were so many good and bad times
For better or worse
It was so much more than marriage

It was and is the greatest bond
I have ever known
And because of you
There's so much I have learned
And so much I have grown

You are the best thing that has ever
happened to me
I've tried so hard and I still am
to do the right things

I miss your soft little hands
And your sweet little voice
I wish I could see your smile
I wish I could dry my eyes

Now I am looking to my family
And they haven't forgot
They are still there for me

Erik, you kept a big piece of my heart
the day I left on that bus
It probably wasn't smart
There were just too many voices to shush

So now they are no longer speaking
I have to decide which trip I'll be making
It's so hard
But I know I have to get a grip
It's like I'm trapped in someone else's backyard

So now I pray to God
Each and every day
To help me find my way

Because Little Boy,
I love and Miss You Very Much!
 

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Something to Live By

October of 2004, I find myself in a rehabilitation center for drugs and alcohol. This, little do I know, is only the beginning of a long process to living sober. November finds me in a dingy room on the 4th floor of the YMCA. I want to do something productive with myself. I need help with living, and I'm told that the nearby halfway house would do me good, and so I am put upon the waiting list to enter. With funding from the social services, and help from the county's taxpayers, these services are paid for. There is help for people like me, and I am not alone. They are even going to help me into college, wow. I tell myself, "stick with it, you can do this." Honesty, open mindedness, and willingness will bring you far in life it you let it.

The winter gracefully passes; I have seen people come and go, in and out of my life. Four months of rehabilitation in a halfway house, I am now moving into an apartment, with a stranger, but a fellow alcoholic. The anticipation of independence has me yearning for a better life. I am nervous, I am excited.
I met Bobby on the 18th of April, 2005 after climbing the stairs onto the second floor, two bedroom apartment in Binghamton, NY. His eyes bulging out of his head; he is rather physically fit, an ex-wrestler of some of man's most intimidating beasts. He propels his hand out to greet me. "welcome, nice to meet you," he exclaims as I enter my new found home. Very polite and courteous, he is almost too nice. I don't think I have ever met anyone like this before, so civil and yet so intensely fabricated.

A few weeks pass by and things are going quite well. I'm adjusting to this new situation rather awkwardly, and Bobby is an understanding voice in my presence. He often shares previous experiences about roommates that did not work out so well. I assume to be the exception to this seemingly bad luck he was having, for I am a fairly easy person to get along with. Our conversations are filled with much experience and laughter. Staying up late and whisking the night away, I often find myself confiding in my new friend. Things are going well, I have not only found a companion but I am also living responsibly. I am actually holding up my end of the house chores. (This is something brand new to me. I feel like I'm doing something right for a change!) Doing the dishes, vacuuming, and keeping a neat appearance is also significant to Bobby. I will admit though, the bathroom cleaning is usually being put off until the next day. Slowly, a tense hue overshadows the polite, gracious man that I first met.

Out from the clear blue sky shoots a meteor. Bobby's temper snaps like a leap frog jumping from wall to wall. I was not expecting this from a person that seemed so open and courteous. The vulgarity and horror spat out of his mouth like a derailed freight train. Doing my best to calm the situation, I use an understanding yet frightened tone of voice. Time goes by and I'm beating myself up mentally, often festering in fear about the situation in my home. I ask myself, "where did I do wrong, what could have I done differently." I haven't experienced this type of confrontation since the third grade bully wanted to take my lunch money, but now my mother isn't here to stick up for me. Such occurrences of rage have now become more common. I'm ready to run, ready to give up this seemingly hopeless situation. Resentment and hatred towards Bobby soon turns inward, I wish that I could have done something differently. I've been avoiding him for weeks, and if not for the people who run this program, I most likely would keep this manifesting resentment inside of me. I want Bobby out of my apartment, and I wanted him out yesterday; my fear has taken the best of me.

This is where our case managers step in, in attempt to mediate a "healthy" confrontation. Healthy communication with my fellow man is something that I lack. I have come far, and I've gotten to where I am now by taking suggestions and using my own honesty, open mindedness, and willingness.

My heart begins to beat faster as I sit, I glance across me to see Bob with a look of contempt, and his eyes roll in the back of his head. Each of our counselors surround us like a couple of trainers behind their fighters. I commence to look at Bob straight in his eyes as I explain to him exactly how I feel; the words start to roll off my mouth like a one-two combination. I kick back in my chair and open my ears, preparing for his nasty right hook. I find a new self respect for jumping into the ring with this man with out the shedding of blood. A weight has been taken off my chest. Bobby is soon moving out and until then, we are to move on the best way we know how. I realize that both of us have played a part in the negative situations that arose, and by communicating with each other I have found compassion that is undefeatable.

I do not want to spread animosity and terrors like my first roommate once did, nor hold resentment and contempt. The resolution that I have found is to tell my current roommate exactly how I feel. I feel that I owe this to his growth, as well as my own. I have learned that this type of communication is vital to relationships as well as one's self respect and dignity.
 

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Where Are We Going?

When we get where we are going
Where will we be?
This is the question of life.
Where is our destination?
What is our destiny?
Our destiny is not a matter of chance
but a matter of choice,
it is not a thing to be waited for,
it is a thing to be achieved.
Our destiny is to walk the twelve steps of life.
Each step is a choice of life
 -one day at a time-
for in each day of life we find our destination
that is described in time or space.
We are not going to a place,
we are called to be a person of God.
Our goal is not where we will go,
but who we will be.
Where are we going?
Wherever God tells us to go.
And that's got to be good.
 

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So Many Times

So many times I have tried,
to resist and not get high.
So many times I have prayed,
But my mind doesn't want to obey.

When will I begin to understand,
that doing drugs does not make you a man.
Why did I have to be so curious,
About something that ends up being so serious.

What will it take for this nightmare to end,
So I can once again become my friend.
And un-break the hurt on my family,
That's who we affect most
Don't you agree?
 

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What I Need

There are times in my life that are painful
and the struggle seems all uphill.
Things aren't going the way that I want them to.
I believe it's called self will.
I want what I want when I want it
and I want it all today.
I put the blame on every one else
when life doesn't go my way.
They say I didn't create this world
so who do I think I am?
I control other people, places and things
and I really do think that I can.
They say there's a power greater than me
and if I would get out of the way,
my life would go so much smoother
and I will get what I need for today.
 

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Without You

You've taken my life,
You've damaged my core.
You've made me an unfit mother,
You've made me a whore.
You've dirtied my spirit,
You've shaken my soul.
You've ruined my self-esteem,
You've made me un-whole.

I want my life back,
I want it now.
I'm kickin' you to the curb,
Someway, Somehow.
I'm getting my life back,
If it's the last thing I do.

No more just surviving!!!
I'm gonna live my life to it's fullest.
I'm gonna live it
Without You?
 

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Life's Gifts

Looking back to the year 1988,
and the many days that I occupied
the cold and inescapable cell
of Tioga County Jail
I realize now how fortunate I am today
to have the gift of freedom.
The bed of iron that framed my cell
resembled the wall that I built
so securely around me.
The cold and concrete floor was who I had to be.
The iron bars that were built to keep me from escaping allowed me to slip further
and further from reality.
The homemade hooch
that fermented under my bunk
bared a very strong resemblance to the rage
that bubbled and festered within me.
The pitch black lonely nights were
where my life was heading
until the gift of light was shed upon me.
The days of isolation and rage are behind me
but never forgotten.
My future is clear and reachable
but a gift that only one day at a time I can achieve.  Embrace the gifts of today.
For it is the challenging moments and decisions in our lives that make us who we want to be.
 

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My 14 Day Roller Coaster Ride

My 14 day roller coaster ride at the ACC is ending.
And now I finally realize
the message it has been sending.
It took me high and took me low,
and sometimes took me down.
I almost gave up and nearly gave in,
but God told me to stick around.
Some days I thought I wouldn't make it,
or deal with it too much longer.
But ACC staff and the friends I made,
helped me to get stronger.
Thank you for all you did for me,
I have only good to say about you.
I took the ride and I survived,
but I couldn't' have done it without you.

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Who Am I Really?

I am the girl who you laugh at;
I am the girl you laugh with;
I am the girl you pass on the street,
the one that smiles.
The same one who inside is full of
fear, anger, loneliness and confusion.
I am the girl you think has it all,
the one who is going to make it.
At the same time I am the girl who fails you,
the one who takes the fall.
I fight a daily battle, with an enemy inside.
Sometimes I win,
sometimes I lose but no more can I hide.
I am the girl who surrenders,
the one who takes back her will.
No more will I be the sad victim
or its cheap last thrill.
I hear there is a freedom,
that indeed is what they say.
It is called a meeting,
it is called a program,
it is called a better way.
So who am I really?
You really want to know.
I am a junkie, I am a drunk,
I am your average Joe.

I AM AM ADDICT AND AN ALCOHOLIC.

-It is the programs of AA and NA to which I owe my life.

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Just when you've had enough
 and you feel throbbing to your head,
You know it's Satan's Calling.
 And he wants you nothing but dead. Everything is so dark
 and you'll bury yourself so deep,
nothing is ever happy enough
and its shivering starts to creep.
If you don't stop
the drinking and drug use
that's gonna put you to an end,
Chase down what's hurting you
and put it to an end.
 

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Politically Correct

I am quite tired of having to pretend
that black and white are gray when still apart.
Political correctness often in the end
placates the truth to mollify the heart.

I long for you to tell me no more lies.
I wish that you would learn to hear what's true.
Your sugar coating surely will draw flies
making a mess of what you think and do.

Why is it not okay to call a male a man
when that is truly what his gender is?
We must strive to say person when we can
make all descriptors their or they instead of his.

It makes no sense to me to celebrate diverse
and then use words that only serve to blend.
What is the point of this whole universe
reduced to non-descriptors by this trend?

If it insults you to be called a thing that's true
and nondescript is what you choose to be.
Do not expect that I should join with you

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Little Things

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A Garden in Recovery

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From One Good Woman To Another

A good woman is proud of herself.
She respects herself and others.
She is aware of who she is.
She neither seeks definition from the person she is with,
 nor does she expect them to read her mind.
She is quite capable of articulating her needs.
A good woman is hopeful.
She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true.
She knows love therefore she gives love.
She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears.

A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance.
She knows that she will, at times,
have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them.
A good woman knows her past, understands her present
and moves towards the future.
A good woman knows God.
She knows that with God the world is her playground
but without God she will just be played with.

A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her experiences are merely lessons,
 meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge and unconditional self-love.

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Honesty in Recovery
 

The first step into recovery requires honesty.
When we are honest with ourselves,
and people we come into contact with,
then we step onto the path of positive growth.
Therein lie endless opportunities when we become
truthful and straight forward in conduct.
Honestly working the Steps of Narcotics Anonymous
will abundantly enhance your understanding of yourself,
your addictions, your character defects and personality traits.
What a difference true honesty can make
when working the program of N.A.

To be honest with yourself during recovery,
you should not deceive yourself.
We should be honest with ourselves concerning our character,
especially about how we feel, our thought process,
how we carry ourselves, and how we act
and behave towards varying circumstances.
There are countless advantages from being honest with ourselves.
In our recovery, we are better able to notice our character defects, shortcomings, negative thoughts, anger, and personality flaws.
When we are honest with ourselves
we gain the capacity for positive change to occur.
Our desire for positive change helps us to feel better about ourselves.
We become more aware of our true person,
enabling us to have the opportunity to make the
required changes necessary to grow in our recovery.

In our journey, it is just as important to be honest
not just to ourselves, but also with our dealings with others.
Why should we lie our lives away?
Now we have the chance to make amends, heal our past wounds, rebuild our relationships based on trust,
along with many other things that would be possible
if we maintain self-honesty, as well as outward honesty.
An ever-increasing amount of opportunities
for personal growth in our recovery
awaits us as we are honest about our addiction,
our addictive behaviors, and our powerlessness.
You will reap the benefits of working an honest program.
By being honest, we are open to utilize
the many other spiritual principles offered in N.A.
I've learned that I must be honest
regarding all aspects of my life
if I am to continue along the road
that leads to further personal growth,
spiritual enrichment, and positive change.
I am grateful to share this message,
and it is my hope that we all can
adopt these principles in all our affairs.
Thank you.

My name is Terry, and I am an addict.

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"I AM METH"
 

My name is Meth:
I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds,
more precious than gold,
the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.

If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.

I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
if this scares you to death,
well it certainly should.

I have many names,
but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me,
my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome, try me you'll see,
but if you do, you will never break free.
Just try me once, and I might let you go,
but try me twice,
and I'll own your soul.

When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
you do what you have to --
just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms
will be worth the pleasure
you'll feel in your arms.

You'll lie to your mother,
you'll steal from your dad,
when you see their tears, you should feel really sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience,
I'll teach you my ways.

I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you,
you're looks and your pride.
I'll be with you always --
right by your side.

You'll give up everything -
your family, your home, your friends,
your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take,
till you have nothing more to give,
when I'm finished with you,
you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned -
this is no game, if given the chance,
I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body,
I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely,
your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
the voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
want you to know, these are all gifts from me.

But then it's too late,
you'll know in your heart,
that you are mine,
and we shall not part.

You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
but you came to me,
not I to you.

You knew this would happen,
many times you were told,
but you challenged my power,
and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away,
if you could live that day over,
now what would you say?

I'll be your master,
you'll be my slave,
I'll even go with you,
when you go to your grave.

Now that you have met me,
what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery
than words can tell.
Come take my hand;
Let me lead you to hell.

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The Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do
to have the kind of faith
it takes to stand, before a giant,
with just a sling and a stone.
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor,
wishing they'd had the strength to stand.
But the giants calling out to me
and he laughs at me.
Reminding me of all the times
I tried before and failed.
The giant keeps on telling me,
time and time again,
Boy you'll never win, never win.
But the voice of truth tells me a different story.
The voice of truth says do not be afraid.
The voice of truth says this is for my glory.
Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe

The Voice of Truth.

So what I would do
to have the kind of faith
it takes to climb, out of this boat I'm in,
onto the crashing waves.
To get out of my comfort zone,
into the realm of the unknown,
where Jesus is, and he's holdin' out his hand.
But the waves are calling out to me
and they laugh at me.
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed.
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again,
Boy you'll never win, you'll never win.
But the voice of truth tells me a different story.
The voice of truth says do not be afraid.
The voice of truth says this is for my glory.
Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe,

The Voice of Truth

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Hope

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Sober

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Love

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